Editorial: Special Agent in the The PIA (Poop Intelligence Agency)

Note: Pictures not included (you're welcome)

I spend way too much time thinking about, talking about and contemplating the realities of poop; Xander's poop to be exact. Of all the things I've learned by being a dad, the one that’s surprised me the most is how crucial it is to know your child's pooping habits. Not only is it important to know his poop-habits, but what its consistency might be and how to interpret that consistency.

Every time Xander drops a deuce it needs to be studied. Is it soft, runny, chunky? Is it hard like deer droppings or rabbit pellets, or a single clump like a billiard ball? What color is it…red, brown, black, green (my favorite), yellow? When was the last time he pooped? Yesterday, 3 days ago, 3 minutes ago? All of this is very important; and you better know what it all means. If you don't know how to deduce (great word don't you think?) your child's poop, you risk missing the signs that your child might be sick, sad, blue, out of sorts, down in the mouth or just grumpy.

So that was the first two years of his life. Now we enter into the realm of toddler; the realm of potty-training. I never thought there could be more to learn from poop, but this new season of Xander’s life has definitely upped-the-ante. Because not only is there more for me to learn, but now he’s interested in it too. Before Xander became poop-aware I operated on my own in the PIA. Now however, as I’m with Xander in the bathroom encouraging him to drop his deuce in his potty training toilet, he has become intimately involved with the process.

So begins the bazillion questions about his poop; it’s as if he knows how important his poop is to us. Because you can see him processing whether or not he really wants us to have any. He has control at this point; he knows we want it, yet keenly aware that he possesses it. He’s not going to give it up easy either. It’s going to take pleading, persuasion and all out bribery for him to give us what we so desperately desire…his #2 in a plastic petri dish called a training toilet.

As we head into the second pair of years of Xander’s life we prepare to welcome a freshy to our brood. Alaster will be here within the next week or two. We enter into a new poop season with Xander and have the joy of experiencing the first two years over again with Alaster. It’s the best of both worlds; new and used, young and old, past and present. Think of it like this…tuning into the first episode of your favorite TV show’s new season while at the same time having last years season on DVD. What could be better than that?

Mid-life has come and passed me by without so much as a courteous nod.  I've stood at the top of the Eiffel Tower in the snow and watched the sunrise over the Grand Canyon.  Events in my life that have taken my breath away without any doubt.  Who would have thought that the same could be said of the pile of poo mushed into the bottom of my sons diaper?

I wonder if this post will have any relevancy to Xander in 40 years when he’s out diaper shopping for me and Lisa. I wonder if he’ll find the irony as humorous as I find my reality right now. In all seriousness, I hope he never has to be put into that position, but if he does, I hope he can see the humor. At a minimum I hope he has as much fun talking about poop with his children as I do with him.